Tonight before I jumped into bed, I caught my reflection in the mirror standing in my bra and undies, I looked myself up and down and thought “What the Fuck am I doing to myself?!”
The conversation I needed to have with myself 27 year old self!
Casey: My name is Casey Donovan and I am morbidly obese.
Confidence: But you’re Big, Beautiful & Sexy!
Casey: Yeah, but I’m also very fat…
Confidence: You mean (beat) Big, Beautiful & Sexy?
Casey: No, Fat! Morbidly Obese…
Confidence: Why are you being so nasty?
Casey: I’m not! I’m just being honest.
Confidence: But you’re not being very nice to yourself!
Casey: I haven’t been nice to myself for a long time.
Confidence: Yes you have
Confidence: The other day when you went for a 30 min walk to get your car
Casey: Yeah, that was only to walk off the night before… Remember? It was closing night of “Rent” and I got absolutely hammered had a 10 pack of nuggets, some pizza and a cheeseburger on the way home….
Confidence: Yeah, but you earned it.
Casey: Sorry, I earned it?
Confidence: You worked hard and having a cheat meal isn’t the end of the world.
Casey: Confidence we both know it wasn’t a cheat meal… I was hungry, I wanted to eat. Sooooo…I put shit food in my mouth. Like I have done for the last 10 years.
Confidence: But look how far you have come!!
Casey: How far I have come?
Confidence: You’re not as heavy as you were…
Casey: I may not be as heavy as I once was. But I’m still fat, aren’t I confidence?
Confidence: You mean (pause) Big, Beautiful & Sexy!
Confidence: Yes Casey?
Casey: Shut your fucking mouth!
Confidence: I don’t have a mouth…
Ego: Hey case!
Casey: Hi mate, you well?
Ego: Hey, you going to eat the maltesers or what?
Casey: Nah… I might throw them away.
Ego: (Laughs) Yeah right! Late night snack maybe?
Ego: (Laughs) Come on mate, we both know you’re not going to throw them out, just have one.
Casey: I don’t want one! I feel sick
Ego: They’ll make you feel better
Casey: Ego… Can you shut the fuck up
Ego: Mate, no need to get angry.. Have a malteser and calm down
Casey: I don’t want a fucking malteser!
Ego: Uh huh…
Casey: Maybe if I just finish the packet, they’ll be gone and I won’t buy anymore. I’ll be good
Confidence: Just do it, you’re Big, Beautiful & Sexy! I’ll be there with you. You deserve to be happy and if you want some malteasers no one is going to judge you, no one has to know.
Casey: My reflux will know and I’m sick of feeling sick all the time!
Confidence: You don’t look sick
Casey: Just pretend everything is ok, that’s all I have to do isn’t it Confidence?!
Negativity: Did you call?
Confidence: Not now Negativity! Go away, she doesn’t need you here!
Negativity: Looking good today Case’O
Casey: I know, right!
Confidence: Don’t listen to him Casey, he is just nasty!
Negativity: Awwww Come on Confidence, no need to be like that. Hey Case’O, maybe you should just give up
Casey: I kinda fell off the wagon
Negativity: Mate, looks like you ate the wagon.
Casey: That’s not very nice!
Negativity: Not my job to be nice Case’O.
Casey: Maybe you’re right..
Negativity: I’m always right.
Casey: Why should I bother?
Negativity: I don’t know why you keep trying. Nothing has changed in a while.
Casey: I don’t want to feel like a lazy fuck anymore!
Negativity: We both know you’re not going to do anything about it, I mean look at you…
Confidence: Don’t listen to him Casey, You’re beautiful!
Anxiety: Hey, did you guys feel that?
Casey: Feel what?
Anxiety: Your heart, it did that fluttering thing again…
Casey: No it didn’t. Did it?
Anxiety: I think another one is coming…
Casey: Holy shit, I felt it!
Negativity: HEART ATTACK TIME
Anxiety: Casey, I’m scared! What do we do? Should we go to the hospital?
Anxiety: Yeah, I think we should go…Let’s go
Ego: Just have a malteaser, you’ll be right.
Anxiety: Casey we need to go, now!
Casey: It’s ok Anxiety. I’m just going to take some deep breaths
Anxiety: I think I can feel chest pain… Yup I can feel it, we need to go!
Casey: Can you just let me relax please!
Anxiety: Case, your heart is beating really fast.. Can you feel it? It’s getting faster! I think we need to go! I feel sick… I think I need to vomit
Casey: Anxiety! Relax your tit’s! Let me breathe
Anxiety: Sorry Case… I can’t let you do that! I’m freaking out. What if you’re having a heart attack? What if…
Negativity: Yeah, this doesn’t look good.
Confidence: Can every one just shut the fuck up! She is fine!
Casey: No Confidence! I am not fine!
Negativity: GIVE UP!
Confidence: Just breathe you’ll be ok.. We’ll be ok!
Will I be ok?
What if I keep living the life I’m living and don’t do anything to help myself? What if I just keep putting the wrong foods in my mouth and don’t think of the consequences?
One day I want to have kids and be able to run round after them.
I don’t want live like this anymore! I want to live a healthier life, try harder then what I am doing now! I have too! I don’t want to dig myself an early grave when the one thing I fear in life is death. But, I keep doing all the wrong things. I keep letting Ego and Negativity get the better of me. It’s time to get real about life, It’s time to not be lazy with what I am putting into my body and reward myself with a new look on life and get out there and make that change.
Confidence has helped me so much along the way. I guess I need to find the new positive in what Big, Beautiful & Sexy really is. It’s wanting to be the best and healthiest that I can be! With a Big healthy heart, A Beautiful healthy life and A Sexy love for the healthier, happier me! And it’s all starting today. Today I am making that change, and am making that promise to myself.
I will be making it a daily chore to blog about my day. How i’m feeling, more conversations with myself :P.. The up’s, downs, in’s and all arounds.