Make That Change

Hiya Guys,

Tonight before I jumped into bed, I caught my reflection in the mirror  standing in my bra and undies, I looked myself up and down and thought “What the Fuck am I doing to myself?!”

The conversation I needed to have with myself 27 year old self!

Start Conversation

Casey: My name is Casey Donovan and I am morbidly obese.

Confidence: But you’re Big, Beautiful & Sexy!

Casey: Yeah, but I’m also very fat…

Confidence: You mean (beat) Big, Beautiful & Sexy?

Casey: No, Fat! Morbidly Obese…

Confidence: Why are you being so nasty?

Casey: I’m not! I’m just being honest.

Confidence: But you’re not being very nice to yourself!

Casey: I haven’t been nice to myself for a long time.

Confidence: Yes you have

Casey: When?

Confidence: The other day when you went for a 30 min walk to get your car

Casey: Yeah, that was only to walk off the night before… Remember? It was closing night of “Rent” and I got absolutely hammered had a 10 pack of nuggets, some pizza and a cheeseburger on the way home….

Confidence: Yeah, but you earned it.

Casey: Sorry, I earned it?

Confidence: Yeah!

Casey: How?

Confidence: You worked hard and having a cheat meal isn’t the end of the world.

Casey: Confidence we both know it wasn’t a cheat meal… I was hungry, I wanted to eat. Sooooo…I put shit food in my mouth. Like I have done for the last 10 years.

Confidence: But look how far you have come!!

Casey: How far I have come?

Confidence: You’re not as heavy as you were…

Casey: I may not be as heavy as I once was. But I’m still fat, aren’t I confidence?

Confidence: You mean (pause) Big, Beautiful & Sexy!

Casey: Confidence!

Confidence: Yes Casey?

Casey: Shut your fucking mouth!

Confidence: I don’t have a mouth…

Enter Ego

Ego: Hey case!

Casey: Hi mate, you well?

Ego: Hey, you going to eat the maltesers or what?

Casey: Nah… I might throw them away.

Ego: (Laughs) Yeah right! Late night snack maybe?

Casey: Nope!

Ego: (Laughs) Come on mate, we both know you’re not going to throw them out, just have one.

Casey: I don’t want one! I feel sick

Ego: They’ll make you feel better

Casey: Ego… Can you shut the fuck up

Ego: Mate, no need to get angry.. Have a malteser and calm down

Casey: I don’t want a fucking malteser!

Ego: Uh huh…

Ego exit’s

Casey: Maybe if I just finish the packet, they’ll be gone and I won’t buy anymore. I’ll be good

Confidence: Just do it, you’re Big, Beautiful & Sexy! I’ll be there with you. You deserve to be happy and if you want some malteasers no one is going to judge you, no one has to know.

Casey: My reflux will know and I’m sick of feeling sick all the time!

Confidence: You don’t look sick

Casey: Just pretend everything is ok, that’s all I have to do isn’t it Confidence?!

 
Enter Negativity

Negativity: Did you call?

Confidence: Not now Negativity! Go away, she doesn’t need you here!

Negativity: Looking good today Case’O

Casey: I know, right!

Confidence: Don’t listen to him Casey, he is just nasty!

Negativity: Awwww Come on Confidence, no need to be like that. Hey Case’O, maybe you should just give up

Casey: I kinda fell off the wagon

Negativity: Mate, looks like you ate the wagon.

Casey: That’s not very nice!

Negativity: Not my job to be nice Case’O.

Casey: Maybe you’re right..

Negativity: I’m always right.

Casey: Why should I bother?

Negativity: I don’t know why you keep trying. Nothing has changed in a while.

Casey: I don’t want to feel like a lazy fuck anymore!

Negativity: We both know you’re not going to do anything about it, I mean look at you…

Confidence: Don’t listen to him Casey, You’re beautiful!

Enter Anxiety

 
Anxiety: Hey, did you guys feel that?

Casey: Feel what?

Anxiety: Your heart, it did that fluttering thing again…

Casey: No it didn’t. Did it?

Anxiety: I think another one is coming…

(Palpitations)

Casey: Holy shit, I felt it!

Negativity: HEART ATTACK TIME

Anxiety: Casey, I’m scared! What do we do? Should we go to the hospital?

Negativity: YUP!

Anxiety: Yeah, I think we should go…Let’s go

 
Enter Ego

Ego: Just have a malteaser, you’ll be right.

Anxiety: Casey we need to go, now!

Casey: It’s ok Anxiety. I’m just going to take some deep breaths

Anxiety: I think I can feel chest pain… Yup I can feel it, we need to go!

Casey: Can you just let me relax please!

Anxiety: Case, your heart is beating really fast.. Can you feel it? It’s getting faster! I think we need to go! I feel sick… I think I need to vomit

Casey: Anxiety! Relax your tit’s! Let me breathe

Anxiety: Sorry Case… I can’t let you do that! I’m freaking out. What if you’re having a heart attack? What if…

Negativity: Yeah, this doesn’t look good.

Confidence: Can every one just shut the fuck up! She is fine!

Casey: No Confidence! I am not fine!

Ego: MALTESERS!!!!!

Anxiety: PALPATATIONS!!!

Negativity: GIVE UP!

Confidence: Just breathe you’ll be ok.. We’ll be ok!

End conversation

 

Will I be ok?

What if I keep living the life I’m living and don’t do anything to help myself? What if I just keep putting the wrong foods in my mouth and don’t think of the consequences?

One day I want to have kids and be able to run round after them.

I don’t want live like this anymore! I want to live a healthier life, try harder then what I am doing now! I have too! I don’t want to dig myself an early grave when the one thing I fear in life is death. But, I keep doing all the wrong things. I keep letting Ego and Negativity get the better of me. It’s time to get real about life, It’s time to not be lazy with what I am putting into my body and reward myself with a new look on life and get out there and make that change.

For me!

Confidence has helped me so much along the way. I guess I need to find the new positive in what Big, Beautiful & Sexy really is. It’s wanting to be the best and healthiest that I can be! With a Big healthy heart, A Beautiful healthy life and A Sexy love for the healthier, happier me! And it’s all starting today. Today I am making that change, and am making that promise to myself.

I will be making it a daily chore to blog about my day. How i’m feeling, more conversations with myself :P.. The up’s, downs, in’s and all arounds.

#nodaybuttoday

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Confidence
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Anxiety
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Ego
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Negativity

Talk soon
Casey D.
Xxx